The helplessness. That's what bombs about being in-love with someone who doesn't love you.
It's irritating really. So many people tell me to stop it and blame me for putting myself in this situation.
Yeah, like anybody would willingly put themselves in a situation where they will hopelessly love someone who doesn't love them in return. Yeah! Because that's the ideal world.
I didn't choose this! I didn't choose to love him. It just happened. I don't know what it was with him. I have known him for so long and have always thought he is a great guy but I never felt anything more than friendship. Then, I saw him that day in that park and my heart jumped.
I just felt butterflies in my stomach.
I tried to stop it. I swear I did. I even stopped hanging out with the gang just get over it.
I mean, it could have been just infatuation... some silly crush. But no, lo and behold. I was, in fact, able to confirm it's love. And you know how? Because I was unselfish when it comes to him. Yup! I am unselfish when it comes to him.
I find myself being happy when he is. I find ways on how he could be happy and it doesn't even matter whether he knows I did it for him or not.
I find myself being there for him even when he is talking about someone else. I find myself willing to be there for him or keep my distance, whatever it is he needs and wants.
I find myself appreciating the small and great things about him, understanding his faults and seeing the kind of man he is striving to be.
I find myself seeing things about him no one else sees.
That's how I know I am in love with him.
And it's a freakin' pain in the butt. I don't want to be in love with him. For the love of god, I would rather be in love with someone who loves me back. In fact, I would like to love someone who loves me more. But what can I do? I am in here. I am already in love with him.
This is just freakin' great, you know? Freakin' great.
I spent my entire teen-age years being careful. I don't let myself get carried away with those silly childish emotions. I forced myself to use my mind all the time to save myself from heartache. And here, I am... suffering heartache every damn day of my life.
What the hell happened?
I woke up and I found my heart beating for someone else. I found someone else's happiness as my own.
When did I lose that power over my heart? I freakin' hate love!