I’m not really sure to whom I’m writing to and what I am writing about.
I just woke up in a pensive mood. It may be because there’s no one else around or that it is too silent or that I’m watching a TV show that’s too happy and feel this overflowing sense of envy because I want to belong to such a group, crazy, happy, and careless.
I’m 35 and still single.
Throughout my 20s, I’ve worked my butt out to make something of myself. I would like to think I did. I’ve pretty much achieved the things I wanted to achieve. I was able to buy my own house, my own car, go on several vacations and provided for my family.
In mornings like this, when I wake up alone and with some time in my hand, I feel a sense of emptiness. It makes me feel I did something wrong to end up alone.
I have never been the ideal girlfriend, not even close but I wasn’t that bad either.
I know I’ve made mistakes but those weren’t intentional and mostly made in a moment of confusion or fear or pain. And so maybe this is what life usually comes down to. Moments.
It’s that split second you have to decide whether to lie or face the certainty of the truth’s painful consequences.
Say yes and you give up a little of your dignity. Say no and you shut down all possibilities.
Answer the phone and you learn more painful truths. Ignore it and you will never what happened.
It’s whether you will reach out or keep yourself protected that spells the difference. It’s whether you will forgive and continue or forgive and move that will dictate the future.
You have moments when you have to decide whether you will fight for what you have or walk away.
It’s that moment when you know what you are about to do will set the precedent of the dynamics of the relationship for years to come.
A split second, a single word… those can spell the difference.
It’s that moment when you need to decide whether you want to keep on waiting or move on.
It’s that moment when a single word uttered or kept may spell the difference between your pride or his.
It’s those moments when saying no or saying yes could spell the difference between compromising or keeping your principle.
It’s those moments… and I am not good with those moments, I guess because whatever decisions I made on those moments put me where I am now… this morning… rainy, cold and alone.
There is that logical side of me that knows with certainty that I should be thankful with what I have. I have a friend with HIV. He was faithful to his partner and loves life. He is now living counting down to its end.
I have a friend with a husband who cheated on her with her sister. There is a guy going around with no arms and legs. There are millions of children getting raped, molested and murdered. There are even more people with no place to live.
I have my parents with me who, I know, will never leave my side. I am in one piece and have money to get myself something to eat everyday .
Yes, I know I am blessed but I do hope that God will forgive me in mornings like this when I see nothing pieces of furniture, walls and electronic gadgets around me.