She never wanted me to hate you. When I was growing up, she used all kinds of excuses to sugar coat you leaving me. In fact, she kept on telling me that you never left me and never will and that you just need time to away to think and figure out how to put your life in order.
And so I waited... and waited... and waited.
I guess to a certain extent she was right and honest.You left because of her but in the process, you also left me. There were so many summers I waited when you will show up so you can teach me how to fish. There were so many baseball games I looked in the stands hoping you'd surprise me and show up. There were so many Christmas mornings I'd run downstairs hoping you sent a gift or a card or yourself to make those cold mornings a little warmer.
Each time, all I got was an busy but empty horizon.
When I was a little older and finally realized that you just might not come back, she told me it will get easier eventually, that I will either get used to the pain or the wound will heal.
She was right to a certain extent. I did get use to the pain. From the daily hopes of you walking back the door, I started waking up every morning not even thinking of you. BUT during those times when I have no choice but to sit and think and my mind wanders to you and that day you left while I was begging you not to, it was harder and more painful.
It was those moments when I realize that the purest version of me was never enough for you to stay, it was never enough for you to stay in my life, to make me feel you are there, to be a father or a friend to me.
If I wans't enough when I was still innocent and pure, what more now when I am already badly damaged and flawed?
I was not enough, I won't be enough now. So, I stopped hoping. After 20 years, I stopped hoping. I wish I will also stop hurting.
I wish that someday I would wake up and actually think of you and not feel any pain or sadness or regret or hate. I wish that someday I could think of you and not care.
I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to get there. How can you, who have never been in my life for 20 years, hurt me this much?