Love Letter from a Secret Admirer

It's too much of a cliche really. A girl falling in love with a guy who treats her as a friend. Unlike the cliche, I am not your bestfriend, not even close. I was one of the girls in the group that you hang out with. That was my tragedy.

I was always within your proximity. I was always around where you were and you were aware of my presence but didn't care for it much that you do to the next person to you. I was there with you. My presence was welcome but dispensible, appreciated but not necessary.

I am not sure if it was supposed to be painful, I just know that on my end, I would rather have proximity than nothing at all. At first, I thought it's better to have you an arm's reach away rather than become an unreacheable desire.

I took precautions for you to not notice how different you are to me. It took a lot of self-control to never look at you a second longer than what I do our other friends. I made sure I pronounce your name blandly and directly. I always checked how I act towards you. I Know I couldn't be distant but I couldn't be too close.

It wasn't easy especially when I started realizing my feelings were transitioning from infatuation to love. I don't even know how it happened and I certainly didn't mean it to happen. I have always found you attractive but it was no different from the other 400 guys I found attractive. I thought maybe it's you gentleness or manliness but I've known you long before I fell in love with you and I've known all about you.

I have no idea what it was that made me cross the line. Had I known, I would have done something about it because it's never easy to fall in love especially with someone who doesn't love you back especially when I got to have the front row seat when you started falling in love with someone else.

We were the typical clique and it meant we heard about your good times, your bad times and all the in-betweens. We were the first ones to know when you had a fight, the first ones you ran to for advice and the first ones you look for when you want to share even the most mudane things in your relationship.

It was hard... helpless hard... close to giving up hard. I was right in front of you and you never even saw me. You were right in front of me and I couldn't even touch you.

I always thought that I would get to that point when I will be able to tell you. I told myself I had to. I had to tell you. I wouldn't be expecting anything in return, of course but I had to.

And yet here I am, 5,000 miles away from you... 539 days away from the last time I saw you and still trapped in my one sided love for you. I don't know why I still love you. I thought the distance, the time will make it go away. It only made me get used to the having to bear it without seeing you but it's still here... unwanted, unwelcome but relentless.

If only I knew what it is that's making me love you, I would stop it because it's not easy to fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back.

I didn't know it was possible for anyone to keep on loving someone without getting anything back but here I am still in love with you.

Posted on 2013-02-23 08:08:48 by lexxy  

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