This is a goodbye letter I wrote to a very special friend I had back in high school which i never sent. Our relationship was very simple for us but complicated him because other people.
Everyone insists we are a couple but we were not. We connected spirtually and call each other soul siblings. He was the brother I never had and probably the brother nobody ever had. We get each other. It was a friendship that was tested by a lot of things. In fact, his girlfriend broke up with because she wanted him to stop being friends with me and no guy could stand my closeness with him.
This is the letter I wrote him as a goodbye because were going to different countries for college. A week after graduation, he died.
I thank you for the love you have for me. Perhaps, I do not deserve it. You already know my story. What makes you think that I deserve love?
I thank you for finally believing in God I believe in. At least, I have done something good in the eyes of my Master.
Over and over, I think whether God is looking down at me, proude He created me or anguishing and hurting for what I am now. I cannot help but try to hide it. I am not exactly proud of what happened.
But please, don't think that I lied when I said I was okay. I really am. I know God will soon end this agony. I know He will and the mere of it makes me okay. Though, I am still hurting, I know I'll be fine soon.
I still get the creeps because I know the worst is yet to come. I can still see some spaces below me and I am still falling. I don't know when I will hit the bottom or if I will live long enought to witness the sun shining. Sometimes, I wonder where I get the strength and courage I use to get by.
And I will not deny the fact that I have questioned the existence of the God I believe in. I still doubt if my prayers reach heaven. I don't think God likes me.
And yes, at times I get angry. I am in pain, yet the world keeps on whipping harder and harder still. I am bleeding badly, Ygan. So bad I feel death is better. It am hurting a lot. It's tiring to live.
I am left with no choice but to weep and hurt. I get tired of praying too, sometimes. Especially because it feels like no one is listenting. I feel like I am just going in circles. I survive, I recover, and then I get hurt again. There are nights when I just really feel like giving up is the easier thing to do. Probably, the right thing to do. That would end everything, for me and for the people that I affect.
I get a nightmares and then I wake only to realize, the nightmares are a reality. I can't even cry anymore. No amount of tears are enough to make me feel better.
I need friends. I need people to talk with, to ask me 'in'. I know I cannot keep you forever and the four years we have shared is more than enough for you to make me realize you love me. Your unselfish love keeps me going. You are the only person who has ever loved me the way you do - no reservations, no pretentions, no selfishness. For once, I experience how it is to love truthfully and purely.
I will forever cherish the love and the friendship I have known so well though you. I guess this is goodbye but I would like you to believe that I am really okay and I will continue to be okay.
Despite the pain, I am still here believing, hoping, praying, and surviving. It is always darkest before dawn.
Tears, Ygan, tears are falling. But what can I do? This is our destinty. We live, we touch people's lives, and then we leave.
I will get by, no matter what. I love you and I thank you. What can a weeping friend say to a parting brother?
I will pray for your life... see you, somehow.
Your Sister in Heart,