I have been burnt so many times that I am scared to fall in love again but he made me believe in love again.
Pain, betrayal, sadness, death… are experiences I go through everyday. I don’t complain anymore. It is useless to be so angry at something that will be forever present in my life. I have appreciated my small victories or good attempts to simply be human. At night, I am just glad to still be standing. That’s how I get through, by detaching myself from this world.
I have never really considered living a difficult thing. It’s been a breeze, actually, because I’ve conditioned myself to not expect anything beyond what is already there. I would wake up everyday, remind myself to just breath and ignore as much as I can. The world is a stranger to me and there is comfort in strangeness… security in being invisible… certainty in hollowness. I just float and flow.
Until you said those three words.
I know I don’t look good enough to get a second glance from you if I passed by. I see myself in the mirror everyday and I’d rather be flogged than lie to myself. I was never worth your while and certainly not your love.
I shouldn’t keep you. I have nothing to give that could possibly make you even half as happy as you make me. I am still a flawed person I have always been.
But somehow when I hear your voice, hear your thoughts, feel your love, I feel found… you make me feel like I am finally here… you make everything feel right… suddenly I don’t have to remind myself to just breath because I am actually living.
You make everything so familiar.
It's even funny how you actually irritate me when you suddenly take over my thoughts – disrespecting any business plan, marketing roadmap, economic analysis or whatever the hell is that I am supposed to do. You just screw everything up. The more irritating thing is that you actually make me smile each time.
You scare me. You make me feel a happiness so pure I ACTUALLY don’t want to share you. I was never that. Look at what you turned me into. And I DON’T WANT TO LOSE YOU. I know it might happen simply because it COULD but it scares me so bad I don’t even want to prepare for it. I WAS NEVER THAT.
You confuse me. You make me feel so blessed and so inadequate of your love.
… so alive and so weak to even put on my defenses.
… so secure and so free.
I wonder again why you love me. Why you care. And why you still think of me the same way despite of who I am and what I was and for everything else that you know and I am yet to tell you.
I am trying to be the woman that you can and should love whether you know it or not. I might hurt you or might make you cry but I will never break your heart.
You have me… you had me… sooner that you think you did. I can only hope to be worth every single breath you take.